I am trying to write. Needing to write, actually. I'm behind on a deadline for the book I'm co-writing. I've also just returned from Chile: 8 hours in the plane from Santiago to Miami, another 5 from Miami to Phoenix, and enough recirculated air to create 36 hours of post-travel flu.
My immune functioning aside, I think that something else is going on. I'm certain that I'm not entirely *back* from Chile. What I mean is: my attention feels split between my life here in Phoenix and the incredible experience that I just had in Chile. Granted, Tom (my old boyfriend and brand-new fiance!) is still in Chile. This alone accounts for part of the reason that I'm feeling a little like a ghost.
My teacher, Sonia, told me once that you teach best that which you need to learn the most.
I teach people how to show up and be present for their own lives.
And here I am struggling to show up for my own life. Because right now, today, I'm feeling half-here, half there, missing summertime in Chile, the beach, the city, the constant hum of Spanish. And knowing that I need to be fully here in my body, in Phoenix, with my cats, writing my book.
Because this is where my life is happening now. Today.
I know this, and yet...
Another of my teachers reminded me that suffering is caused by clinging. We, as human beings, cling to those experiences that feel good and reject experiences that suck. Like leaving Chile (and my new fiance), for example. In the constant pushing, pulling, and struggling against our life experiences, we miss out on what's happening right now.
As human beings, we also constantly and persistently judge our experiences. We try to place every moment of our lives into categories: This is good, that is bad, I need to do, I should do, I ought to, and on and on. Every judgment emphasizes imperfection, highlights an apparent ineptitude at being human.
Attitude is everything. When we judge or wish or long for something different than what is right in front of us, we suffer.
Awareness is everything, too. I became aware of my attitude at the end of my fourth episode of What Not to Wear, as I was channel surfing to a re-run of Romancing the Stone. And then came the judgments...
Judgmental Me: Seriously. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I never watch this much TV. EVER. Just think of everything I could have done instead. Even sick, I could have written. I could have done research.
Real Me: Judgment is so harsh, and practicing kindness and compassion, particularly with one's self does not come easily.
So this is where I am, right now: I'm sitting on my couch, listening to a jet preparing to land at Sky Harbor Airport, cars rushing through the cross-streets, and the softer tinkle of wind chimes wafting in from the open patio door. The early evening air is chill and I breathe it in fully. As I do, I invite my spirit back into my body. I feel myself begin to reconnect.
Our spirits - the creative, wise, and very real part of us - would always rather be in our bodies than hovering somewhere outside, ghost-like. It's hard to create without a body! Our egos - that part of us that does all of the judging and criticizing and clinging - become barriers to reconnection, holding us in a sort of stasis, as life passes by. And then the very same ego that holds us back from life blames us for not participating fully in life. It's a big game, and a dangerous one, too if you don't know the rules.
My friend Beth, a psychologist, wrote recently, "apparently 'it's all good' is out, and 'it is what it is', is in."
And the last thing is Acceptance. A mantra like "it is what it is" bypasses the ego's desire to categorize and judge. You may not like everything in your life. Most people don't. Regardless of how your life came to be what it is, it is what it is, right now. Bless your mess. Bless your life. Breathe. Show up. Be present. And let the rest go.
Love,
Robyn
